Friday, 8 June 2012

The Middle Stump anti virus report

The guys at the Middle Stump would like all of our fans and followers to be on the lookout for a new breed of cricketing computer viruses that could seriously affect­ / infect your PC.

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This virus is known to break Windows

There are many varieties of this­ virus, each affecting your computer in a different way.­ Details of each variant of this virus are shown­ below.

The cocky young Aussie virus - This where the­ computer develops a memory disorder and forgets about­ every thing before 1989.

The England one day cricket shirt­ virus - Designed to drain your bank account This one is­ especially hard to detect as it changes its format­ every three months.

The Kevin Pietersen virus -  The computer looks­ great, all the lights are on, but it can make your pc refuse to operate in certain formats.

The­ Jonathan Agnew virus - Throws you out of Windows, especially if running at the same time as a piece of kit called Phil DeFreitas v.1.0

The Ricky Ponting virus - The computer develops a continuous­ whining noise. 

The­ lazy club cricketer virus - Will take numerous attempts to get­ into the net often failing completely.

The Sourav Ganguly­ virus - The computer develops a processor problem­ whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is.­ It also experiences dramatic fluctuations in­ performance.

The Fred Boycott virus - blocks everything, absolutely everything.

The Matthew Prior virus - very similar to the Jonathan Agnew virus, except this one will completely break Windows. 

The Denesh Ramdin virus - You just­ can't save anything.

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The Chris Tavare virus - Makes­ your Computer go really slow.

The Chris Tavare virus - Makes­ your Computer go really slow.

The Nick Knight virus - The worst­ of all, ruins all memory of basic functions and­ programmes, randomly delivering wrong data.­ Also weakens all communications within the network­

The Andy Flower anti virus - Appears when the system fails.­ If you possess a copy of Peter Moores v.1.0, please delete and replace with Andy Flower.

Whilst also on the subject please be aware of those who upgrade to Girlfriend 1.0 from Cricket Mates 5.1. There can often be conflicts between the two systems and sometimes it is best to run the copy of Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. Girlfriend 1.0 is often not compatible with other systems such as Cricketclubpissupwiththeboys 20.12, Tour 2.0 and Porn 6.9. Successive versions of girlfriend can often prove to be no better. I even tried Tourtartpickup 2.0, a shareware programme, but this left me infected with numerous bugs and viruses, forcing a complete shut down for a few weeks. Girlfriend can often launch into Photostrop and Whingezip randomly, if one returns to Cricket Mates 5.1. Occasionally it can also have a rather annoying pop up called Motherinlaw 1.0, which cannot be turned off. If one attempts to run Mistress 2000 at the same time as Girlfriend, it can cause serious problems, often deleting MS Money! Be vary wary...and safe surfing cricket folk! 


  1. Your first few features and articles really got my attention, but now you seem to be running out of ideas. Stick to genuine cricket stuff and drop the poetry and old "virus" jokes, you guys are better than this! How about some more features on real cricket affairs ie. Match fixing, upcoming ashes and ashes memories etc. You guys can still be funny, but get real things to talk about. I'm a big supporter, pls raise the bar!

  2. Thanks Anonymous. Feel free to leave us your name next time and we will try very desperately to hit the standards that you obviously require.

  3. Pls do an article in my honour, and ill score you guys out of 10. Dylan

  4. Dylan, especially for you we will do an article on Botham's Ashes in 81 later in the week. What do you reckon?

  5. Thank you! I enjoyed the Fatties btw...

  6. Thank you. We can all sleep easier at night now :) Do you follow us on Twitter?

  7. Thank god, i know longer need my dormican now! I will follow, cheers!