Monday, 10 September 2012

Julian Assange

In our upcoming book, Cricket Banter we give our guide to terminology and cricket speak. An Assange is a batsman who refuses to accept the umpires decision. Here Thorpster gives us his take on the Australian currently hiding in the Ecuadorian embassy...

At least Gower could leave this balcony

Have you ever wondered what Julian Assange does with his time? In cricketing terms he is the type of player who when given out just simply can't accept the umpires, decision. If playing in a test match he would speak to his partner, who would tell him "yer fucking plumb mate" yet he would call for DRS nonetheless. Then when DRS showed it was knocking out all three, he would say it was a no ball, or a chuck, or argue that  the umpire had coughed and put him off. He would then ask the oppo skipper to call him back, before storming back to the pavillion and locking himself in the changing room and refuse to come out.

If he was playing in club cricket he would after all the aforementioned steps, less DRS of course, simply (as happened in a Southgate Adelaide Game years ago) simply refuse to leave the field, until the game was abandoned or depending on the oppo someone chinned him and he was carried off. At selection on the following Tuesday when informed he was dropped and maybe suspended he would protest his innocence and storm of seeking cricketing asylum at another club. When he joined his new club he would spend the first few weeks attempting to convince his new team mates of the conspiracy surrounding his departure from his previous club or clubs. In fact he would probably have had more clubs than a Vegas Poker game or than Tiger Woods has had Vegas Cocktail waitresses.

But back to the point, what the fuck does the silken locked Wikileaks founder do all day and night? Confined in, what my sources tell me is a relatively small space in the Ecuadorian embassy, how does he pass his time? All you cricketers think back to when you have been off work or school, Pat and Mick on Crapital Radio, or worse with the curse of a long term sporting injury.

A man with time on his hands

Now it wasn't too bad if as a sick or injured school boy it was during a home test series. In my case this would have been during the 70s or 80s and I would have been glued to Gower or Gatt bobbing and weaving against the dominant West Indies or dominating the then down trodden Aussies. But if in the winter once the initial novelty of not having to get yer ass in gear in the morning wears off, the only option is to seek relief of another kind to the point you need to where boxing or batting gloves. So how does Julian pass the time?

Like Miss Haversham after her infamous aborted wedding, this Antipodean cannot leave what for the last two months has been his cricket pavilion. As a young I lad I spent so much time at my cricket club that at times and my Mrs can testify to this, it almost was my home. All club cricketers will have known plenty of groundsman, who have played cricket, worked at and also lived at a cricket ground. The old joke goes that they can't leave the confines of the ground without speaking to immigration first and obtaining a visa. But Julian, the Australian accused of the most notorious insertion since Nasser Hussain asked the old enemy to bat at Brisbane 10 years ago, literally cannot leave the premises. If he does he will be whisked off on the equivalent of a cricket tour to down town Damascus. Following this if his conspiracy theories are to be believed, he would then be  further moved on to some super max nick in the American deep south, where he would be find himself on the end of his own Hussains Brisbane.

Like Nasser after his Brisbane moment, prior to entering the Ecuadorian pavilion, Julian had plenty of well known supporters. These included the former wife of the great Pakistani all rounder and skipper and now prominent political campaigner Imran Khan. Some of these put there "hard earned" dough on the line by providing sureties for Mr Assange, which as he has breached his bail are now on the line. One supporter he has retained is "gorgeous" George Galloway, the former big brother cat and Respect MP. I hear Galloway claims to be a big cricket fan, which was no doubt an advantage during the by election campaign in cricket mad Bradford. At the end of his victorious innings he proudly declared the coming of the Bradford Spring, like Del boy Trotter had years before, declared the opening of the Peckham Spring!

George Galloway

Galloway the man who once fired back at a US Senate committee with the speed of KP firing off a text message, pronounced via you tube, the dumbslog millionaires other favourite form of communication, that far from being guilty of an unwanted Hussain, he was merely guilty of poor sexual etiquette.  The reason he gave to excuse Julian's alleged version of Nasser enforcing the follow on, was that as the young lady had previously consented, she couldn't play a forward defensive despite sleeping as soundly as Beefy with his pads on whilst batting at six with his inevitable tour hangover. Being a sensitive forum written by modern men, The Middle Stump would not like to comment further.

When Mr Assange gave his now famous speech from the balcony of the embassy, the physical  similarity between him and the previously mentioned Lord David Gower struck me, less Gowers curly locks. In fact what sprung to mind was skipper Gower giving his victorious speech from another famous London balcony, this time at the Oval in August 1985. Fortunately for Gower, he could leave at the end of the evenings celebrations...   


  1. Sensitive forum? Modern men? ...Ah fair play, I loved reading this ;)

    1. Nina - thanks for the comment, I hope the piece gave you a few laughs. Maybe Julian plays some indoor cricket in the embassy?

  2. Julian Assange.

    Or Stuart Broad by another name.


    1. James - is he like Broady just in looks or als in leaks?