Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Don't do it, Shane!

“You hear about how many fourth quarter comebacks that a guy has made and I think it means a guy screwed up in the first three quarters.”

That is a quote from NFL quarterback, Peyton Manning; even though he comes from a totally different sport than what we write about here at The Middle Stump, it is apt in regards to the news that the (once) great Shane Warne has offered himself to Michael Clarke, hoping to be the talisman to take back the Ashes next summer.

Warne- going for another boundary...

There is no doubting the class of Shane Warne, the 708 Test wickets and being one of the five cricketers of the 20th century proves that. There is also no doubting the fact that he was an absolute LAD, with fondness of birds, bookmakers, diet pills, fags and even more women! That is right up our alley and one of the main reasons everyone has a soft spot for Warney, although Dan has definitely never taken diet pills!

Warne was the man that got me bowling leg spin. A hero of mine, growing up. This is why it saddens me when I see that he is thinking, almost threatening, a comeback to the Australian side. He should be remembered as that overweight googly bowling joker.

He should make a comeback if he was fit enough, good enough and didn't have the commitments that he now has. If Liz Hurley asked me to come back to bed instead of netting, I wouldn't be reaching for MY box! A lady friend asked me when I mentioned Warney: "Is that the poker player man?". He shouldn't be coming back because the umpteen spin bowlers that tried to replace him failed.

I watched Warne last week playing in the Big Bash league playing for the Melbourne Stars against the Melbourne Renegades. Warne skippered his side to defeat, not batting, dropping a catch Monty would have taken between his pert butt cheeks and going for figures of 0-42 off just the two overs.

There is no flipper, googly or slider, just a rank long hop and a full toss. Even Ian Salisbury was sitting at home thinking “fuck me, where’s me kit?”

A different sport again, this time football and I played against and marked Shaun Goater in 2005. I was turning out for Barnet Reserves, and he was, at the time, plying his trade at Southend United. Three years previously he had scored twice in the Manchester Derby for City.

Goater was slow, half-arsed and had a look about him as if he was wondering what the fuck he was doing there. I wound him up from the start by calling him ‘Steve’ no idea why, but I knew that he would get the raging Ivana if I pretended not to know who he was. He eventually flipped after about an hour and said “You are the worst player I have ever played against.” I told him that he was probably correct and he would never remember Liam Kenna but I would always remember how shit he was.

I hope that doesn’t happen to Shane Keith Warne


  1. Good read, particularly nice little tale about The Goat. Warne would need to prove himself in the Sheffield Shield to even be considered for the Ashes, and he aint going to commit himself to that unless he can get big money to do so - not gunna happen.

  2. The England team doesn’t have the mental scars that he caused previous sides to wear the three lions in an Ashes campaign. Add that to the fact that his bowling talents are not what they used to be and I can’t see Pup Clarke or Inverarity taking the idea of a Warne comeback seriously. It’s like seeing a favourite singer trying to relive their *ahem* glorious past 25 years on when their scream has diminished while their guts have increased.

    Like it or not time moves on and Warne was one of the finest of his (or any) generation. More people know him for shagging Liz Hurley and appearing tangoed on poker posters rather than being a damn fine leg spinner who caused nightmares for just about everybody.

    Warne’s test record is outstanding. Trying to come back now would only tarnish the memories we have of the great bowler. Ricky Hatton came back and found he hadn’t got it. He looked in great nick but that wasn’t enough. I hope that doesn’t happen to Warnie.

  3. Shocking idea. This has got to be a wind-up, like 'I haven't had any work done, honest'.

    Liked the line about 'If Liz Hurley asked me to come back to bed instead of netting, I wouldn't be reaching for my box!'. Whose box would you be reaching for, Liam?

  4. It wouldn't be Pandora's, let me tell you!