Monday, 25 March 2013

Shit Chat

This series had been tough for me, I'll be honest. England are not performing like the second best side in the world and New Zealand are fooling us all with their efforts with bat and ball. My problem is not actually with the England team although I've had more than enough of Stuart Broad's hissy fits. what annoys me more than anything else in the whole wide world (with exception of a broken hair band) are the SKY TV commentators.

I'm going to start with Nick Knight or Nick fucking Knight as he is known in my house. Now don't get me wrong, he comes out with the odd bit of sense but usually it's sandwiched between a whole load of shit.

The problem I have is that I just can't trust him. If Nick Knight knocked on my door I have a sneaky suspicion I may end up with double glazing. The way he looks deep into the camera almost as if he is addressing me personally is worrying. I can't help but think he is lying to me. I wouldn't be surprised if he took my sister out and then never called her again.

I may have trust issues but another man I struggle to believe is Ian Botham. A legend of a cricketer and a fine, fine commentator. My problem? He wears short sleeve shirts. I get by in life with pretty much three rules:

- Never trust a man who wears short sleeves

- Never trust a man who doesn't drink

- Never trust a man who folds his arms

Bob Willis is a grumpy git. Have you ever been on a bus and it's late, you are about to pull away and some geriatric runs along after you and gets on. "Oh perfect timing" (well its not perfect fucking timing is it?) and then proceeds to tell the bus driver all about his day and his gout. This man is Bob Willis.

I'm dissapointed to hear that Nassar Hussain and David Gower are being rested. I hope Nick Knight gets rested soon, he must have a conference to attend? Gower is a smooth operator, a man that you wouldn't be too pissed off if he took your gran to bingo.

One man who would give me the raging hump if he took my gran out to Mecca would be Bumble. Why couldn't he take me???

A man who can be just as great as David Gower is Ian Ward. As an anchorman, not a batsman. He seems at home in front of the camera with that tidy little quiff of his grilling his guests who have been fairly decent.

Paul Collingwood should be one of the main eventers and so should Mark Butcher. Steve Harmison maybe, if I could understand a single word he was saying. I like Robert Croft and Dominic Cork too, both men are former captains, England internationals and are from an era when things were not all rosey for England.

One man who I would not have is Gus Fraser. He looked on edge last night, almost as if he had a barney with the Missus, chucked on a novelty tie and went to work with the drive and enthusiasm of Bob Willis with a bad back. He has the look of a man who would quite happily flog you a dodgy motor.

Who have I missed out? Who would you like to see in a darkened studio at 4am talking to Ian Ward, who would be doing your pitch reports?

Leave a comment and let us know.


  1. I really don't understand how Nick Knight got on there. Cricket's equivalent of Shearer when it comes to pointless pundits! Botham is old school, hard as nails, schooled by my uncle Brian (Close) hence the short sleeves. Different era mate :)
    Nasser, Both and Gower with Bumble chipping in with a bit of errrm bumbling around are the dream team. Oh and Mikey. Mikey Holding. There is a man who talks sense. Of course none of them hold a candle to the legends that are Benaud and Cozier!

  2. The problem with Botham is that he's a bit of a dick.

  3. Nick Knight - awful commentator. If only he was "good, very good' but he isn't so get off my telly. Tries to sound intelligent and fails miserably.
    Bob Willis - I really like. Every commentary needs a grump. Someone who is toeing the England are brilliant, corporate speak BS. Can't have more than one.
    Botham - Annoying. He thinks the perfect test lasts 3 day. Shame he doesn't disappear for Days 4 & 5 and save me from his jingoistic drivel or go permanently fishing.
    Bumble - Harmless enough.

    Ian Ward, Butcher & Collingwood have been excellent. Harmison not so much as only seem to be able to follow what everyone else has said. Fraser ok, Stewart not as annoying as he has been.

    Ian Harvey has been good on the Aussie games & Rob Key a shoe in when he retires from 1st class.

  4. Not watch much cricket on SKY as main commentators bore me. One exception is Mike Holding.
    Radio cricket is MUCH MUCH better. Currently Clive Eakin is doing a cracking one man show on Radio 5 sports extra (Warks v MCC)

  5. Don't diss the legends of 81! The beefy short sleeved shirt and tie look is underrated. A bit like the old Bobby Ewing board meeting/european Customs officer look of a smart shoe/cowboy boot, worn out jeans, tie and blazer. I reckon Walt should get a shot to bring some Lancastrian charm to proceedings!

  6. why has no one mentioned Athers?

  7. Sky are the best of a bad lot. channel 9 in oz is a joke & makes you turn the tv off. totally biased on no opunions at all. dont get me started on mark nocholas. what a complete douche.

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