Friday, 31 January 2014

Application for the Director of England Cricket

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Mr Paul Downton
England and Wales Cricket Board
Lord's Cricket Ground

31st January 2014

Re. Application for the position of Team Director for the England Cricket Team

Dear Mr Downton,

I am writing to you with regards to the current coaching vacancy for the Test side within the England and Wales Cricket Board. I am enclosing my CV as I feel that I am the ideal candidate for the role and feel that this would be the ideal position for me.

Having gained a wealth of experience and tactics, my assistant Liam Kenna is fantastic on Cricket Coach 2014 and has been playing cricket coaching games since 1997, whilst I have been known to get into many a debate on Twitter, so therefore I feel that these are excellent credentials for the position. Both of us are in touch with the modern game as well, and no doubt my regular appearances opening the batting in the Saracens Hertfordshire Cricket League Division Seven will be a fantastic asset to the role. I have demonstrated a winning mentality and my experience of success is second to none with promotions gained from Divisions Two and Three in 1996 and 1998 respectively, not forgetting a third place finish in 2005. I also read Cricinfo on a daily basis so my knowledge is second to none.

In addition, my great grandfather was in the British Army, spending time fighting during the Boer War. Therefore, genetically I would have no problem dealing with troublesome South Africans within the English dressing room. I am aware of culinary variety to the side, so kebabs, KFC and a chicken vindaloo would be introduced to the famous menu under my regime.

You will see from my CV that away from cricket, I have gained many qualifications whilst working within the legal industry in London, something that will no doubt come in handy should any of the players have their central contracts terminated. These will also come in handy for gaining visas for the likes of Sachin Tendulkar when he miraculously gains UK citizenship or other such individuals that we should source in the future, thus rendering qualification periods redundant.

My experience of travelling on budget airlines, and especially liaisons with their customer services departments when flights have been changed, will also come in extremely handy for any future players who wishes to get a flight back early from any tour, thus making vast savings for your board. Whilst on the subject of transport, I also have had many decent cars in my ownership over the years, which have reduced in output, transmission and speed after putting them through their paces, so feel I would be an ideal candidate in the rehabilitation of Steven Finn.

My experience of the red light districts of the world would also gain favour with your organisation no doubt, and I have vast experience of dealing with media whores of all varieties. I would get the players to put far more value on their time at the crease, and dealings with Broads or Roots come as second nature for a man of my experience on tracks of all sorts of nature. Dry and dusty, ageing, or damp tracks can all be dealt with by keeping it tight on a decent length in my book.

I am fully aware that with the sad departure of Mr Flower, that this is a time for honest reflection, which makes me a far better candidate than most of the vocal applicants on social media, especially Piers Morgan who has lied in the Mirror on previous occasions. I also have a clean criminal record, apart from one indiscretion for indecent exposure, although Mr Flower would have surely done better in Australia if he had got Johnson out.

I'm sure you would gain many benefits from appointing me to the role. My remuneration is no doubt a fraction of the other candidates, and there would be no relocation costs.

I am available for interview immediately and look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Yours sincerely

Daniel Whiting Esq.

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