Thorpster, after many days sitting around and having his Christmas ruined, questions how low have the England cricket team sunk? Have we just had a bad series, or are the problems terminal? He looks at why it has all gone wrong for England and questions even whether central contracts are good for those on the fringes of the side? Read on for a fascinating read, with naturally a few pops from both barrels at a few people along the way.
After sitting on my arse for days on end over Christmas, a period during which I was looking forward to falling asleep on the sofa watching the Ashes, I came across a listing for a well known film on Sky. The Abyss is a classic and is sometimes shown under the title "The Abyss - Special Edition", it stars Ed Harris and the wonderfully named Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. The director is the legendary James Cameron and the famous musical score by Alan Silvestri. The plot denotes an American Submarine plunging deep into the abyss at the bottom of theAtlantic .
I think it’s fair to say thatEngland have
plunged deep into the abyss. In fact they are in so deep that the skipper has
changed his name from Mr A Cook to Mr A Byss. The film features the attempt to
rescue the stricken sub but who will rescue this England side? Various press post
mortems have stated that England
are "on a road to nowhere" and that we are witnessing the "death
of a team", and these statements are hard to argue against.
Like the Apollo Theatre,England ’s
batting has relentlessly collapsed after the first act. Like the rescue
vehicles attempting to salvage the submarine, who will be around to perform a
salvage job on this England
team? Like many London
theatres the Apollo is owned by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Who will be England ’s Jesus
Christ Superstar?
This sites review of the latest twin towers performance attacked Pietersens club slogger like wipe in the first innings. Personally I attach no blame to the egotist that is the Dumb Slog Millionaire. Based on past experience of 5 out all out KP feels he is on borrowed time once the top 6 "batsman" are out, so basically its do or die. Bairstow as Dan pointed out to me yesterday is good for the odd hoik over mid on but like many of the current line up his foot movement is equitable to Tony Jacklin's during his brief stint on this years Strictly Come Dancing.
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Mr A Byss |
After sitting on my arse for days on end over Christmas, a period during which I was looking forward to falling asleep on the sofa watching the Ashes, I came across a listing for a well known film on Sky. The Abyss is a classic and is sometimes shown under the title "The Abyss - Special Edition", it stars Ed Harris and the wonderfully named Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. The director is the legendary James Cameron and the famous musical score by Alan Silvestri. The plot denotes an American Submarine plunging deep into the abyss at the bottom of the
I think it’s fair to say that
Like the Apollo Theatre,
Lloyd Webber...used to a collapse |
This sites review of the latest twin towers performance attacked Pietersens club slogger like wipe in the first innings. Personally I attach no blame to the egotist that is the Dumb Slog Millionaire. Based on past experience of 5 out all out KP feels he is on borrowed time once the top 6 "batsman" are out, so basically its do or die. Bairstow as Dan pointed out to me yesterday is good for the odd hoik over mid on but like many of the current line up his foot movement is equitable to Tony Jacklin's during his brief stint on this years Strictly Come Dancing.
Also similar to an early Strictly effort by various
cricketers is Joe Roots jig up and down the order. At that level Root hangs
back in the crease far too much to succeed at the top of the order. This makes
him hugely susceptible to the moving ball, leading to relentless play and miss,
before almost always nicking off. As our Geoffrey, the most unpopular man in
Sandbanks and neighbour to a certain football manager - a friend of HMRC whose dog has an offshore bank account
said, playing and missing at test level should not be the norm!
In a pre Ashes article I tipped Carberry "the springing
Kangaroo" to be a mainstay of the batting and in some ways I was
correct. The left handed Hampshire man, has said his plan was to leave as
many balls as possible. This has led to a series of turgid innings where he has
occupied the crease for long periods without ever making a big score. I don't
think I've ever seen a batsman try to let so many balls go by or seen one out
so many times trying to leave balls alone.
As many said at the time after last summer’s success, not putting Ian Bell to 3 after the demise of Trott was a huge mistake. In fact atSydney
I would open with Bell
and Cook with KP at 3. They are England ’s
only 3 quality players left and should be the top 3. It’s about time the senior
players and staff fronted up. Cooks answers of "I don't know" to so
many questions from the media have been as inspiring as Gooch's "we'll play
better" quote prior to the Adelaide
catastrophe. I was also distinctly unimpressed by 'Bottom Hand Bairstow' being
pushed in front of the media after the Apollo collapse on day three at the MCG. Despite not
rating his technique I have some sympathy for the Yorkshire
man. He is a victim of being on the fringes of the side and basically having
played no cricket for a year and then being chucked in to a team self
destructing faster than Charles Saatchi’s household. The invisible England
management team seems about as effective and united as the team of Nigella and
the Grillo sisters at Saatchi towers. The much derided tour menu is almost as
complex as the demands of the advertising guru, less the Friday frapuchinos.
Mind you I wouldn’t mind getting together with Nigella’s middle order and would
find my way past her choice of ingredients, whilst “fighting” off the free
spending sisters at the same time. At this time of the year one look at my
credit card bill, makes we wince, so I do have some sympathy for the
allegations made by the reclusive Mr Saatchi.
![]() |
Bluey...pushed in front of the media |
As many said at the time after last summer’s success, not putting Ian Bell to 3 after the demise of Trott was a huge mistake. In fact at
The end of the tour cannot come quickly enough and many will
struggle to watch the inevitable unfolding at Sydney . Will further wholesale changes be
made or do with stick with the MCG eleven? Many in the press are calling for
Cooks head but who better. I think the problem goes back to the turgid brand of
cricket preferred during the Strauss and Cook eras. The only plan in the field
has been bowling dry and the batting has in recent times appeared either
stonewall or slog fest and nothing between the two. Myself and Dan were present
at Lords for the first day of the test season and witnessed possibly the most
turgid days batting in modern times as England scored 160-4 in a whole day against the might of New Zealand. In fact by mid afternoon most had given up
on the cricket altogether.
Bowling dry means no place for tearaway quick bowlers. Finn has an excellent strike rate but is a little expensive and has basically been sent away to come back as Martin Bicknell. During Hussain's time as skipper Bicknell and James Kirtley theSussex chucker formed the most depressing
trundling opening "attack" for England . Since then they have
succeeded in turning various quick’s into Tommy Rundlers, Finn and Tremlett to name a
couple. I saw Angus Fraser
and Walt “I have never heard of the phrase oppo speak” Allott arguing the toss
in between the play in the South Africa India test about what comes next. Gus
said stick with the submarine crew, whilst Walt wanted to make a few changes
arguing the “absolute caning” (as it was once referred to by Aggers) meant a
whitewash was a foregone conclusion in any case. The Lancastrian second string
Sky presenter felt we may as well have a look at a few fresh faces given that
we may have unearthed a rare gem in Ben Stokes.
![]() |
Gooch....we'll play better |
Bowling dry means no place for tearaway quick bowlers. Finn has an excellent strike rate but is a little expensive and has basically been sent away to come back as Martin Bicknell. During Hussain's time as skipper Bicknell and James Kirtley the
As I look ahead to
hiding behind the sofa trying not to peep at the screen during the Sydney test, one thing is
for sure; England
are in the Abyss.
20180804 junda
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