Wednesday, 2 July 2014

The Middle Stump Guide to India

India have arrived and are already playing warm up games before the Test series versus England starts soon. The last two have gone England's way, although I expect this one to be far closer. India is a beautiful and diverse country, full of history and culture. So when you go to the Test match this summer, note down a few of these phrases and no doubt, some of your Indian chums will be impressed, as we give you the Middle Stump guide to India.

AWAY FORM - India play away about as well as Shane Warne, Tiger Woods and Bill Clinton combined. Their record has been appalling in recent years and they are hoping to put this right on this tour.

AZHARUDDIN - what a player. Wristy, elegant and beautiful on the eye, his batting ability was far more aesthetic than his face. Such a shame he got caught in match fixing allegations. Only in India could someone accused of such shenanigans find themselves a role after cricket as a politician. I kid you not.

BCCI - The ICC. With England and Australia backing them up on their shoulder these days. They like money.

CPS CHAUHAN - a walking wicket over here in 1979.

COW - the cow is sacred amongst the Hindu religion and beef is a big no no. Does this mean in the IPL a batsmen slogging across the line, hits the ball towards Sacred Cow Corner?

DELHI BELLY - whilst travelling India should you wish to lose some weight feel free to drink straight out of the local river, or even better lick a puddle. I can guarantee that the noise eminating from your toilet within half an hour will be similar to a flock of pigeons taking off. This is known as Delhi Belly.

DHONI - the Indian keeper has made the odd rupee out of the game of cricket during his career. Sometimes needs security on his house if India lose.

MS Dhoni

DRAW - not the colloquial term of what people go to Goa to buy but the result that I foresee a number of games being in this series. The old days of English green tops have gone with new drainage systems, and grounds needing four or five days revenue have resulted in wickets that will be high scoring with little in it for the quicks.

EDEN GARDENS - as if it is not hot enough in this venue the crowd have been known to set the place alight should decisions not go their way. Back in the day over 100,000 residents of Calcutta or Kolkata would fill the ground to roar on their team.

EDMONDS - Phil Edmonds often reserved his best for India. After a tour there once he was asked what he was looking forward to the most about being back in England, to which he replied, "A dry fart". Famously read the paper during a game in response to Gavaskar batting on too long in 1984/85.

FRUIT - what every England boundary fielder has experienced thrown on by an Indian crowd. However, the spike that just missed Devon Malcolm once over there was more acidic.

GANGULY - ex Indian skipper who once when he arrived in Manchester asked Mike Atherton to carry his kit from his car to the dressing room.

GAVASKAR - one of the finest players of fast bowling ever. However his 36 not out off 60 overs versus England in the 1975 World Cup was one of the more perplexing innings ever seen in One Day Internationals. Whilst at Somerset he was reported to not drink, smoke, gamble or swear, although Ian Botham did once hear him say, "Oh my Goodness".

Sunny...Oh my Goodness

GHEE - a calcified butter used in Indian cooking. Too much of this, along with close finishes in the IPL results in coronary disease going through the roof in parts of India. It has been described as a heart attack on a plate.

GOA - not to be confused with a young lady that you pick up in a nightclub whilst on tour, Goa is the region to the south of Mumbai. A tourist destination, they sell some decent weed there and other mind bending narcotics. Allegedly.

GUJARAT - the state to the north and west of Mumbai. It is a dry state and does not sell alcohol. The antithesis of Goa, but just as beautiful.

HARBHAJAN SINGH - aka The Turbanator. The Indian offie has been known to slap a team mate now and again. Advertised whisky in a turban which went down really badly amongst the elders of the Sikh community.


IPL - The Indian Premier League or Pepsi Indian Premier League or whatever you wish to call it. The brain child of Middle Stump follower on Twitter, Lalit Modi.

ISHANT SHARMA - quite possibly the worst haircut in world cricket. He is also the Jade Dernbach of Indian one day performances often going into the crowd more times than Eric Cantona.


JELLY BEAN - a sticky sweet that ended up on a length back in the 2007 series.

KAPIL DEV - quite possibly the finest all rounder of all time. When you consider that he ended up with 434 Test wickets when playing half of his career on the dustbowls in India, it goes to show what a seamer the Haryana Hurricane actually was.

KOHLI - the modern day darling of Indian cricket. Likes a tattoo. Likes scoring runs too, and I think he will in this series.

KINGFISHER - an Indian lager and one who very kindly sent us a few cases a few years ago as we wrote nice things about them. Why not crack one open during the series, chilled and it can only enhance your enjoyment of the upcoming Test matches? A fine libation, our advice is to go and buy yourself some straight away :)

KORMA - a curry for girls.

MADAN LAL - an innocuous looking seamer that the England batsmen often made look like Malcolm Marshall in the eighties.

MADRAS - now known as Chennai, it was the scene of two brilliant double hundreds in 1985 by Graeme Fowler and Mike Gatting. Also the scene of a brilliant double hundred in 1987 during a tied Test by Dean Jones who nearly died having picked up some sort of bug, and being forced to carry on by his skipper Allan Border. See Delhi Belly. Jones can only wish that coloured clothing had been in force during this knock instead of whites, if you get my drift?

Jones...great knock in Chennai

MUTTON - an elderly lady who dresses in mini skirts and high heels. Also a flavoursome meat used in curries throughout India.

MUMBAI - a fantastic city and one well worth a visit. The home of Tendulkar, Gavaskar and many more. It is the gateway to India.

NAGPUR - an Indian city. Also the opposite of your missus when you return from a week away on cricket tour who will nag well.

PHALL - a curry for real men. That is, until you hear the howls coming from the toilet the following day as their ringpiece ends up looking like the flag of Japan.

PUJARA - this guy will score runs over here.

ROGER BINNY - the star of the 83 World Cup. His son Stuart is now a professional cricketer.

A moustachioed Kapil lifts the 1983 World Cup

RUNS - there will be plenty scored in this series. See draw. The colloquial term for Delhi Belly.

RUPEE - the currency of India and loved by the BCCI. Also the noise that Roy Hodgson made when he extended his England contract, or Jonathan Ross screams out when happy.

SRINI - the new head of the ICC. Corruption allegations mean that he was blocked by the Supreme Court of being the head of the BCCI, so cricket administrators voted him as head of the ICC. You just couldn't make it up. Srini also has a strained relationship with his openly homosexual son, Ashwin.

TASH - Indian cricketers have long liked a tash. Similar to the Liverpool football side of the eighties, Kapil Dev, Vishwanath, Vengsarkar and many more Indian players have donned a top lip slug.

TENDULKAR - the best. Maybe Bradman, maybe Sachin. The darling of all Indians. What a player.

UTTAR PRADESH - a region of India. As opposed to Andy Townsend on ITV's football coverage who speaks Uttar Bollocks.

VISHWANATH - the Mozart of the Willow. He could bat too.

VINDALOO - one down from a Phall, a vindaloo is a super, hot curry in Indian restaurants here but in India it is just a spicy dish and not too heavy.

WANKHEDE - the stadium of Mumbai and quite possibly the best named stadium in world sport. Perhaps apart from the Wankdorf Stadium in Berne, Switzerland which has been known to give South African commentators nightmares.

Zaheer Khan's grouping of deliveries?

WORLD CUP - who remembers the 1983 World Cup Final when the unfancied India beat the West Indies at Lord's? A fantastic game of cricket.

ZAHEER KHAN - a good bowler who is second behind Kapil Dev in India's all time wicket takers. Just don't offer him a sticky sweet.

So there you have it. As usual we stick in our disclaimer that the use of above may land you in a spot of bother if used at the wrong time, and we hold no responsibility should you end up getting a damned good hiding.

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