Who said this leg of the tour would be easy? After the pummelling in
Australia, England’s cricketers crossed the Tasman Sea for more of the same
medicine. Plenty of questions were raised before the series. Could Trevor Baseless
improve his shocking Test record abroad? Could England batsmen stop losing
wickets on the stroke of an interval? Could the top order batsmen get any more
than 50? Like a petty criminal in a police interview, England ‘no commented’.
Naturally in no way is the previous sentence of any correlation (for any
lawyers reading) but this was also the return of Ben Stokes to the side. Could
England finally kick start their winter?
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Eden Park |
James Vince was the man who made way for Stokes. Vince, with
an attitude to wide away swinging half volleys, similar to that of an alcoholic
passing a public house, paid the price for nicking more Australians than the
ICC will in the next few weeks. More on that later…
So England batted and what a start. Within an hour we were
27-9. Yes, 27 for bloody 9. That’s not a Test score, it’s a date heading into
Autumn. It was like watching a really bad episode of the X Factor, when you are
cringeing at the tv yet can’t stop watching. It was car crash tv to misquote
Ant and Dec.
It was the dessert of crap after the main course of the Australian
fiasco before Christmas. This is not to take anything away from Trent Boult or
Tim Southee. Both bowled with pace, venom and moved the ball off the pitch and
through the air, aided and abetted by fine catching including a ‘worldie’ from
Williamson. Boult ended with 6-32, Southee 4-25. England were skittled for a
miserable 58.
A Boult from the blue |
The hosts batted and down came the rain. The next two days
were wetter than Kim Hughes’ microphone at a press conference as Auckland
opened its skies.
And then the news came from Cape Town. Cameron Bancroft was
caught with sandpaper down his pants altering the shape of the ball. If I’m
honest, every side in world cricket has tried to alter the ball in aid of
reverse swing over the last twenty years. From Athers dirt, to Murray Mints, to
Lollipops, every trick has been used but taking sandpaper in your jock has
rubbed people up the wrong way, to say the least, not to mention Bancroft’s
bollocks. It isn’t so much the fact that they have cheated but the moral high
ground that this Australian team have taken, is hypocritical and the reason why
everyone is jumping on their case. ‘The Leadership Team’ aka The Lyon Ring have
tried to tell us this is the first time that this has happened. This can only
be surmised as the same place where Mr Bancroft hides his sandpaper. Bollocks.
Lehmann has tried to say that the South African crowd are
naughty people and haven’t been very nice to poor little Davey Warner and his chums. Yes, the
same Lehmann who asked the Australian crowd to send Mr Broad home in tears.
This Aussie side have repeatedly spoken about crossing the line, only that the
line is always on their terms. I don’t think for a long time there will be a
line drawn in the sand…paper.
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Naughty Cameron |
Back to Auckland. The cricket became almost secondary after
the events in South Efrica. Williamson showed how to bat on a wicket that
always had a little bit in it for bat and ball, whilst Nichols farmed the
English bowling. A hasty declaration when the teams returned after more or less
a two day break saw Cook get strangled down the leg side, Stoneman and Root get
fifty without converting and Stokes get a sixty. Wagner was ruthless in
bouncing out the tail though and New Zealand were victors by an innings and 49
runs. Take nothing away from New Zealand they deserved this and turned up as if they meant business.
England looked so undercooked that this was bordering on botulism, salmonella and e coli. I wrote on Twitter that we had seen Cook lambing two weeks prior to the game which ruffled some feathers but I would rather see three or four proper warm ups like the old days - more Lamb cooking than Cook lambing. One 14 a side game or whatever surely contributes to our shocking touring record? I'm not singling out Cook either, it is down to the ECB to sort this out and also offer tourists here some proper games. I'd like to see a full strength county take on a touring side.
Baseless has to go as a Test coach, notice period or no notice period. Out of England’s last
ten games abroad, we have lost nine, five by an innings. This is P45 material.
I’m bored of calling for it but as long as the tickets get sold for home
series, the game is hyped on Sky and we bring a new shirt out, the money will roll in, then who gives a
shit if we get stuffed?
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