Clubbies in the real world....

After spending eight hours or so back with the boys yesterday, I have realised that what is perceived as normal behaviour in a club environment, is a long way distant to what is socially acceptable in the real world. Already my language has deteriorated, almost bordering on Tourette's. Like a Vietnam Veteran in the States, many clubbies find it difficult to adjust back into society, so here are some tips to help them back to normality...

Try to refrain from behaviour like this on a Monday morning...

Whilst being a great prank in the dressing room, putting Deep Heat into the garments into your wife's underwear drawer often causes a 'domestic' and lead to her pleading the Third Bedroom Amendment and you spending the week in the spare room.

Whilst queuing up in a bank, should the cashier be taking their time, sledging them or slow hand clapping can cause the shutter to go up, just as your turn in the queue has arrived.

Stirring tea whilst at work and then putting the spoon on a colleague's hand for a laugh, can often result in a phone call from the Human Resources department and a written warning will be forthcoming. Should this result in dismissal, my advice would be to leave the room immediately rather than hanging around for two minutes, shaking your head and trudging off slowly.

Walking in late into the office and announcing in front of the whole team, "Morning Wankchops" to the boss followed by a "Sorry I'm late, had ten pints followed by a ruby in the Raj and I have a Flag of Japan" can often result in a smaller pay rise than your colleagues, when it comes to that time of year. Should there be persistent lateness, your blame of other staff in the office, 'being late for the meet' will cut no ice with the management of the company.

Marking the wife's Sunday Lunch as you would a Facilities Marking Card can foster disharmony in the matrimonial home. This is especially relevant should you mark her gravy with a score of under 6 with comments about the texture and heat on offer. Whilst on the subject of eating at home, on no account should you treat your wife like the tea lady at your club. Finishing your dinner, handing her the plate, saying "That was lovely, thanks" before disappearing for a lie down for an hour can again result in having to find a divorce lawyer.

This is not to be given marks out of 10

Whilst commuting into the office on a train, setting fire to a fellow commuter's copy of the Metro as he is reading it for a laugh, can often result in the police being summoned and a 28 day section order being issued.

Shadow batting on a train platform with a leave outside of off stump, a forward defensive and a backward defensive with soft hands can lead to some confused looks from your fellow passengers.

Your PC does not need a sanitisation break every twenty minutes, leading to an excuse to have a fag, check the horse racing results or go and talk to the attractive female in Accounts.

If you are entertaining a client, then business etiquette claims that you should pick up the bill. The words of "I don't give a fuck if you didn't have a starter, it's twenty squid each" tends to mean that future business will not be forthcoming.

Hiding the contents of a female colleague's handbag can often cause disruption in the working environment. Whilst on the subject, emptying a curled up sandwich into the said holdall is not deemed amusing or a good laugh when she finds it a week later.

Should it be a friend of your child's birthday and a cake is on offer to be shared amongst the guests, pushing in front of a group of queuing five year olds with a the rider of, "I'm an away player, I get served first", can often lead to strange looks from your fellow parents.

If you are working in a sales environment, sledging your fellow work colleagues as they are going through their sales pitch is a big no-no. If the pitch then goes wrong and the deal that they have been working on for months not materialising, then the words of "you're shit" can often cause resentment in the team ethos. Should you then say "let's go and have a drink, what goes on in the office, stays in the office", it can often lead to you alone in the public house. If one of your work colleagues should happen to be struggling with his sales figures for the month, the cry of "This bloke is struggling for form, he looks like he'll be out soon" from the desks behind him is unhelpful.

Your kids have no interest in 'how well the stick goes', what grade of willow it is made from, how many grips it has on it or the pick up.

Clubbie behaviour can often lead to the receipt of one of these

In the appraisal process at work, the words of "What have you done?" to your boss can often be career defining.

On no account should younger work colleagues have their desk space in the office taken by more senior staff with the words of "I sit here now, find your own area". Younger work colleagues aren't there to make your tea, run to the shops or to give you throw downs in the office.

Should any of your fellow workmates be a part of the works Cycle to Work scheme, then the prank of shower gel being placed into their gloves or helmet can result in the said colleague not being at work for three months, as he has had an accident on the way home. Cutting the brakes of his bike is in no way deemed, a 'bit of bantz'.

I wish all of you fellow clubbies well this week, adjusting back to life after your weekend.